The Mezzanine

Today I'm getting to witness Germans at their most wimpy.

It is, you see, a terribly hot day, and they're all worried about surviving the awful heat.

...of 30 degrees. *faints dramatically at such dreadfully warm weather*

(Americans: this is 86 Fahrenheit)


I'm just going to sit here in my non-air-conditioned house, happily lettting the wonderfully cool breeze waft fresh summer air through every room. Later, I might go for a walk.

(Note my lack of blocking up every door and window, blasting air-conditioned coolness into every corner, stocking up on icecubes, realising some rooms are a lost cause and blocking them off so the air-con can cope with a smaller space, wishing I could remove several layers of skin, sleeping naked on the floor of the living room, and cowering from the horrible skin-searing sun. Because this is not Australia.)


Remember the knife scene from Crocodile Dundee? Right now, I feel kinda like that. "You call that summer? THIS is summer."

While I have indeed ranted about this before, I feel the urge again. Bear with me.


I am currently reading John Rogers' blog, where he discusses, at length, what it was like to make Leverage. He also, at regular intervals, tells off his overseas fans for torrenting episodes from America.

And then, he says things like this:

The history of the "Zanzibar Marketplace", a criminal clearinghouse, is quite interesting, but you're going to have to buy the DVD to hear us discuss it.

Allow me to explain why this gets my goat.

1) I actually own the dvds. All five seasons – because, after all, Leverage is one of my favourite shows, and I want to watch it lots, and I have a private rule that if I have a legal way to pay for something I'm going to watch more than once, I should pay for it.
2) I cannot listen to the dvd commentary he's referencing, because it's only on the Region 1 dvds.

In fact, as a fan who would really like to listen to the commentaries and really loves supporting the people who make my nice shows, I would have to:
- buy a second set of Region 1 dvds via Amazon, hoping desperately that they'll actually sell it to me (because Amazon won't sell some things to Australians no matter how hard we beg)
or:
- torrent it

We get our dvds:
- late (cf: everything, ever)
- if at all (cf: Early Edition, another show I'd love to check out)
- with half of the special features missing (cf: BtVS, and the Seth Green commentary)

We get our tv:
- late (by which I mean years)
- or by piracy

THESE ARE OUR ONLY OPTIONS.

I have no legal way to watch half the stuff you guys watch. Ever. Because I live overseas. And, while I will happily spend money on watching things, if there is no way possible that I can ever give you my money, I'm going to go "screw it", and pirate it. Want me to stop, John Rogers? Give me the chance to buy the damn thing.

Haven't posted about the weather, because otherwise, every day this week, I would have felt compelled to log on and write HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT all over the internet.

But now that it's over, let me tell you about the weather.


- My air conditioner was on, all day every day, all week. It was set at 23 degrees (73F).

- By keeping my air conditioner constantly set at 23 degrees, it managed to ensure that, by the end of the day, the room it was air conditioning wouldn't get higher than 30 degrees (86F).

- This seven-degrees-higher-than-I-want temperature was close enough that everyone who doesn't have an air conditioner has been walking in my front door and exclaiming at how cool it is.

- Unlike the rest of the house, which is more than 2 metres away from the air conditioner. By the end of each day, it would be just as hot inside my bedroom as it was outside the house.

- That being: 44 degrees (111F).

No, wait, that's not big enough.


44 DEGREES (111F)

Better.

- It has been boiling out there. The water bottle I keep in the car? This week, it's been hotter than I drink my tea. I kid you not.

- I have been sleeping next to the air conditioner, and I have still been too hot to sleep.


This was the state of affairs until late last night (oh blessed late-last-night, how we love thee). At which point a storm finally broke, and the brief, thunderous drops of rain cooled the place down no end.

It's now cool enough to sleep on top of my bed, naked and with no sheets (ie - a standard summer).


Here endeth the lesson.

I find it fascinating that websites can detect I'm Australian when they want to stop me watching fun videos (the Daily Show, for instance, which I've never been able to see online clips from) – but can't detect that I'm Australian when it comes to filling my screen with pop-ups saying "CONTACT YOUR SENATOR TO ASK FOR MORE STATES' RIGHTS! ENTER YOUR ZIP-CODE BELOW!"

Oh dearest websites, please reverse your policies. I am, after all, someone who does not have a zip-code, but does have an interest in watching the Daily Show. Stop stopping me from doing stuff... please...

Believe it or not, there are many things in your house that you've probably never realised are different anywhere else. When I went to Germany, I was fascinated by lightswitches, of all things. And it took me a week to figure out how all the windows worked.

So...

( houses down under )

Apparently the US ambassador is complaining about Aussies pirating Game of Thrones.

*rolls eyes*

For the benefit of His Ambassadorship and other uninformed people - here is what I would have to do to watch Game of Thrones:
- Buy a subscription to Foxtel to watch payTV! Woo! $70 a month to watch one show! That's... what? $16 an episode? Score!
- Watch them on Netflix or Hulu! Awesome! ...for all of five seconds, until I remember that I live in Australia and *headsmack* oh yeah, we can't use those.
- Wait for the dvd. Generally, dvds come out about two years after a season of tv airs in America - if things go well. So, only a couple of years to avoid spoilers and stay off the internet. That's not hard, right?
- Piracy.

In other words, ambassador? Give me an easy way to pay, and I will. Otherwise - stuff off. I'm trying to watch telly.

Today is the first of December, the first day of summer, and, for the majority of Australians, Christmas Tree Day.

Today is the day we put up the Christmas trees.


For those northernly folk who may be thinking this is horribly early, you should be aware that our trees are not generally alive, and therefore will not be brown and dead by Christmas Day. As the proud owner of a fake tree, I put it up, in good Aussie form, on the first - and my house remains Christmassy for a full month.


We are now watching A Muppet Christmas Carol, and feeling very seasonal. Although I admit, I won't feel truly Christmassed until I've also watched Die Hard, While You Were Sleeping, and Gremlins.

...the train driver suddenly stops the train and announces "Sorry folks, we'll be stuck here until they've put out the fire on the track ahead", and everyone shrugs and goes back to their newspapers, paying little attention to the smell of smoke wafting through the carriage.


(This is all happening right near the city centre, mind.)

So, I'm wondering:

For all you overseas folk, when you start planning your Exciting Trips To See Australia, what things do you think of seeing?


(brief digression approaching...)

When I went to Munich, everyone said "Oh, you've got to see [exciting landmark]! It's the best!" ...and they were always talking about
1) Neuschwanstein
2) Ludwig's (other) castles
3) Oktoberfest
4) Dachau

Whereas, when I got there, my favourite bits were
1) the Deutchesmuseum
2) the Residence
3) the English Garden

And, in fact, the vast majority of things I found interesting were barely mentioned in guidebooks at all.

(...back to Australia)


Anyway, it occurs to me that there's a big difference between:
a) What tourists want to see in Australia
b) What I think tourists want to see in Australia
c) What I think tourists should actually see in Australia

My answer to b would be the Sydney Harbour Bridge, Uluru, and possibly surfing.
My answer to c would be much longer and more rambling, but would definitely include an Aussie-animal sanctuary, the Great Ocean Road, Sovereign Hill, and Port Arthur.

But, for a? Not a clue.


So - when you think about the stuff you'd like to do as a tourist in Australia, what's on your list?

We went to a bushdance last night, and like all good Aussie bushdances, it began with the Heel-And-Toe Polka, and featured such music as Click Go The Shears, Botany Bay, and Home Among The Gum Trees.

For people who are unfamiliar with these:
- The Heel-And-Toe Polka is taught to every single primary school student in the country. It is extremely easy, and very fun.

- Click Go The Shears is a song about sheep shearing (also taught in primary school). No-one remembers the verses except for the person playing the song, but everyone knows the chorus, which should be sung as loudly as possible.

- Botany Bay is a song for convicts, about leaving England behind and shipping off to Australia. Very catchy...

- And then there's Home Among The Gum Trees, which is about the myriad delights of living in Australia, with a particular focus on vegemite, clotheslines, rabbits, and rocking chairs.

Any Aussie could sing these to you instantly. They're our songs, and we love them.


That's Australia for you: sheep, convicts, rocking chairs, and the polka...