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[deird1]

I need to write a brief essay explaining why it's a good idea for people with social anxiety to talk to people on the internet.

So...

People on the internet: why is it a good idea to be here, as a person with social anxiety?



(This being partially in response to the argument that people with social anxiety shouldn't use the internet, since they'd be opening themselves up to negative comments. Which... since half my flist seems to be comprised of people with social anxiety - including me - I'm guessing you'd all disagree with that statement?)

Comments

[alexseanchai]

Words on screen: not inducing of social anxiety. Words out mouth and in ears: yes inducing of social anxiety. I may have more to say after work, for which I should have left already. (Overtime moneys! Yay!)

[talibusorabat]

Part of my social anxiety is having to know how to respond to something right away. On the internet, I can take my time to consider how I want to respond and figure out what to say, so it makes something close to sense.

I also have some trouble with social cues - what do I do with my face while I'm listening? Should I smile? How long do I look them in the eye before it gets creepy? I don't have to worry about that with an online conversation.

It's easier to exit a conversation I don't feel comfortable with online, and I'm generally at home and feel safe, as opposed to out and about in the world.


tl;dr there are a lot of things that factor in to my social anxiety, and the internet strips away a lot of them. For me, the argument you mention for not using the internet isn't at all valid. I'm not afraid of people saying mean things to me. I'm afraid of people not liking me or thinking I'm dumb but never telling me. I don't want to be the Emperor in his new clothes. :)

[vass]

All of this. Also I can time my interactions according to when I'm feeling better. Like, if I wake up feeling really confident and ready to face the world (hahahaha) that would be when I'd tackle the most difficult emails and blog comments.

I'm not afraid of people saying mean things to me. I'm afraid of people not liking me or thinking I'm dumb but never telling me.

That. Right there. I'm afraid of being judged, and that fear does not go away if people don't voice their judgements aloud, and it doesn't get worse if I see those comments posted in a public place. (Actually, after the initial sting, it even gets a little easier, especially since I'm not confronted with them in person, and don't have to respond right now.)

The internet, for me, has been a much lower pressure way of learning real life social skills and exposing myself to new and scary situations.

My psychiatrist would say that the internet is a distancing mechanism, that you're not as intimate with people online, and that makes it easier. I would rather say it's a way of mediating intimacy, so you have more control over how intimate you want to be at any one moment. Which makes it safer, and a good starting place.

Edited to add: sometimes I like to hang out on a certain majority-female anon capslock community. This community has a very rough and tumble style of communication, with a lot of heavy teasing, trolling, and dogpiling. I can cope with this, where a similar offline situation would send me into a panic, because I can leave whenever I want, and also it's anonymous, so I can tell myself that they don't know me or my situation when they criticise, and I can start again with a new comment and not be judged by my past idiocies. I wouldn't recommend it as a substitute for a social life, but I've learned a lot of useful social skills there, like dialing down my social sensitivity a few notches, and learning how to deal with teasing, and when to walk away.

[vass]

One more thing: when you're conversing with someone on the internet, most often you're in your own home, and they're somewhere else. That's very safe.

[mymatedave.livejournal.com]

Because it allows you to communicate your ideas without any of the prejudging that goes on in real life. I wrote a post that's kind of related to this a couple of years ago.

http://mymatedave.livejournal.com/37282.html

I also think it helps because while there are arseholes and trolls online, there are also really great, friendly communities where people can make friends. I'm good friends with some people who I meet in person at conferences once a year but you can build up connections with people while still knowing that if you're nervous you can step back and just observe without any awkwardness that happens in real life.

I'm not sure if this helps you or if this just waffling, but I hope it does.

[bruttimabuoni]

Some thoughts. Ones that work for me, anyway.

You have a lot more control online. At worst, deleting your online persona is a lot less self-destructive than deleting yourself IRL. So you can practice, with an out. You can resurrect yourself if need be. And less dramatically, you can drop in and out of many interest groups without having any of that build-up to walking into a roomful of strangers. It takes a little courage to post for the first time, sure, but I find it's a million times easier than putting yourself into a stranger's space.

I agree with the 'you can think beforehand' comment, if you find it hard to talk spontaneously. You're also fairly rarely one-on-one with someone - it's a wider conversation. So you're not alone with a person who might misinterpret you, there a bunch of people who will react in different ways to whatever you contribute. Over time, you'll probably talk more to people who react in ways that work well for you and you find enjoyable to interact with.

There are lots of different ways of interacting. Sure, you could troll or post controversial meta or a dozen other ways of getting into a challenging situation, but equally you can start out (and remain) an uncontroversial soul. You don't have to get into situations which cause anxiety, and if you find yourself in one, you can readily stop.

Lastly, it's another space where you can try a new persona, the way you can when starting a new job or going to college. I use a lot more exclamation marks on here than I do IRL, for example, though my persona is becoming more like my regular self as I get more comfortable on here.

[me_llamo_nic]

There's a very high level of control on the internet. It's easy enough to ignore the trolls nine times out of ten. Real life trolls are right up in your face and don't get away. Online you can delete comments, block people, and just generally choose to browse to the places that work best for you. In real life, you just have to deal with whatever comes at you. Having time to think about your words without people watching you fumble is also a major plus. In that way, it's sort of the same reason that a lot of people choose texting over phone conversations.

Do you watch The Guild? It's full of socially awkward people who use the internet for a lot of their communication and then examines how things change when the computer screen is taken out of the equation. It's good stuff.

[velvetwhip]

Others have already expressed some very good reasons, and I agree with them. I also find it a lot easier to back away from uncomfortable conversations here. And, unlike real life where there are a limited number of people around in any given situation, here, when things go bad and someone becomes antagonistic towards you, there's almost always enough people observing that one or more of them will have your back. It's very sustaining.


Gabrielle

[smurasaki]

It's a heck of a lot easier to communicate on line than in person. You can take all the time you need to decide how to respond to someone's blog post - or whip off the first thing that comes to mind. You can't do that in real life. "Excuse me, give me half an hour to process what you just said and I'll get back to you."

You've also generally got different information about a person on line than you do in person. It is, for example, entirely possible to follow someone's blog for *insert time period here* before you decide to comment. Any real life equivalent would be somewhere between deeply creepy and illegal.

Also, though I fear this genders me, there is almost no chance that someone I know on line will suddenly want to date me. And I really don't have to consider people's gender (or my own) when on line. There are times when it is impossible not to consider in real life.

[verity]

At least for me, back when I was younger and had a difficult time socially, it was always about breaking the social surface tension - I was fine with friends, but I had trouble talking to new people and was kind of shy and prone to putting my foot in my mouth then. It was much easier to drop into online conversations with folks who were all interested in the same topic - I didn't have to try to make conversation. Not having to respond on the spot made it easier not to let whatever was in my head immediately fall out of my mouth. Making friends online helped give me more social confidence IRL.

(the above is, fwiw, from the perspective of my mid-teens. Fairly early on, in my internet times, I started to meet up with and hang out with folks from online IRL. These days, the boundaries is very fluid. I've been all around the US and to the EU visiting "internet" friends. I'm not really sure how that plugs into the whole internet social anxiety thing.)

[timeofchange.livejournal.com]

My son has social anxiety. Part of his issue is very slow processing, so it can take him awhile to respond, especially with new people, or in loud settings. IRL, people often assume that's because he doesn't have anything to say or because he just ins't that bright, both of which are not true. On-line, as others have posted, he's able to reply in his own time.

Another issue: sometimes, I think, social anxiety is made worse by being with people who don't get you and your interests. Gotta love the Internet, where you can find and interact with like-minded people you'd never get to meet IRL.