Bureaucracy - fic

[deird1]

This was written for the prompt song of “Apologize” by One Republic, at still_grrr. It's longish, in an unusual format, stars two OCs, and is extremely silly...

Title: Bureaucracy
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1520

Summary: Every job has its difficulties.



Bureaucracy

____________________________________________

Wish #287a-15c912-337

Date: 10/15/99
Wisher: Miss Serena Philman, Sunnydale CA
Target of Wish: Mr Parker Abrams, Sunnydale CA

Transcription: “He’s just… oh, I can’t believe that bastard. How could he do that to me? You know what – he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t deserve anyone. And he thinks he can get away with… He should just… just never date again. In fact, I wish he’d never even get to touch a girl, ever again! It’d serve him right.”

Summary of Wish: that Mr Abrams will never again know the touch of a woman

WISH GRANTED, AND FILED CORRECTLY
Personal Notes: Miss Philman was initially mistrusting, and was persuaded into friendship by the offer of cupcakes and a mix cd. (NB – assumed the guise of a college student) Should she be a recurring client, I would advise future wish granters to adopt a similar strategy.

Filed by: Valesh the Avenged

____________________________________________

And, at Hellmouth Central…
17 stellar acts of vengeance this week. Notably, a maggot infestation plaguing Tom Walker (courtesy of Grellmesya the Eternal), a five-man beheading at the Sunnydale Retirement Home (excellent work by Bloody Bertha), and Parker Abrams being prevented from ever again knowing the touch of a woman (way to go, Valesh the Avenged!).

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

Saw in the newsletter about your latest wish. Great job!

Unfortunately, it looks like you forgot to check the files. Your client’s wish that Parker Abrams never know the touch of another woman goes against a wish I granted that states that Parker Abrams would get laid at least once a week for his entire college career.

I guess you’ll have to reverse yours.

See you later! :)

– Trekknor

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged

Trekknor –

Thanks for the heads up.

However, as it happens, I did check the files. There aren’t any instances of Parker Abrams being granted a wish, or (amazingly) being wished against.

Getting confused, are we? :)

– Valesh

____________________________________________

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
cc: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: wish064p-39b426-122

(forwarded at the request of Trekknor, Lord of Pain)

Attached is a copy of the file for Wish #064p-39b426-122, concerning a wish from Miss Katie Locke against Mr Jason Abrams.

Regards,
the Files and Records Department.

document attached: 064p39b426122.doc

____________________________________________

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: FW:wish064p-39b426-122

I don’t read mail from subordinates, asshole.

Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6


>>(forwarded at the request of Trekknor, Lord of Pain)

>>Attached is a copy of the file for Wish #064p-39b426-122, concerning a wish from Miss Katie Locke against Mr Jason Abrams.

>>Regards,
>>the Files and Records Department.

____________________________________________

Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
Justice and Latent Malice Inc

Dear Ms Avenged,

We have been contacted regarding a wish made by one of your clients, that directly contradicts an earlier wish filed in your department.

Having perused the document in question, we have determined that your client’s wish that Mr Parker Abrams never again know the touch of a woman will indeed prevent Trekknor, Lord of Pain, from fulfilling his client’s wish that Mr Parker Abrams receive more opportunities for sexual activity than Mr Jason Abrams did.

The exact text of this wish is included here for your reference:
a) that Mr J Abrams’ “belt notches” be surpassed by his younger brother, Mr P Abrams;
b) that Mr P Abrams get laid at least once a week for his four years of college;
c) that Mr P Abrams boast about these circumstances whenever he is in the company of Mr J Abrams;
d) that Mr J Abrams never forget that he gave up a chance at true love to “get more pussy”.

We understand that your client’s wish was filed while you were still in ignorance of this, but must inform you that, regardless, the wish made by Trekknor, Lord of Pain’s client still has prior claim.

Please take appropriate action.

Sincerely,
Lloyd Miller
Wolfram & Hart
Los Angeles Branch

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged

Thanks a lot, idiot.

What exactly do you expect me to do now?

– Valesh

PS – That has got to be the lamest vengeance wish ever.

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

I’d expect you to reverse it, obviously.

– Trekknor

PS – Never knowing the touch of a woman? So original.

____________________________________________

REQUISITION ORDER: request number 5698751381801

-200 pounds of uncooked entrails, unsliced
-90 pounds of troll faeces
-15 still-beating hearts
-1 red-hot poker

To be delivered to room 729, floor 5, and arranged as per the attached diagram.

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

Nice try, Val.
But, like it or not, my wish has priority.

Reverse it. And grow the hell up.

– Trekknor

____________________________________________

REQUISITION ORDER: request number 9716087344920

-50 gallons of ethanol
-1 box of matches

To be delivered to room 729, floor 5.

(NB – using these in the obvious manner when you reach the room in question will ensure a big tip from me)

____________________________________________

WHILE YOU WERE OUT
Trekknor, Lord of Pain rang, on a business-related matter.

Contents of message: several death threats, very loud, mostly incoherent

Please:
return the call at the earliest opportunity
arrange a meeting
email your reply
disregard
destroy all records immediately, and disavow knowledge
other ( ________________________ )

____________________________________________

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: I could keep this up all day

Trekknor –

Give in? Because I’m not reversing the best wish I got all month.

Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6

____________________________________________

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: so could I

Valesh –

How about a compromise?

Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Lady Mertroxa of deathly night
From: Valesh the Avenged

Mertie –

A friend on the fifth floor needs some serious renovations done on his office, owing to an accidental fire.
Think you can bury the costs in the paperwork?

Thanks, honey!

– Vale

____________________________________________

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: loophole?

Trekknor –

Your client’s wish was for Parker Abrams to get laid while he’s still in college, right?

How about if we make him drop out?

Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6

____________________________________________

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?

Valesh –

No luck. Check the wording – it specifies four years of college.

Any other ideas?

Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”

____________________________________________

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?

Trekknor –

What if we took “belt notches” literally?

Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6

____________________________________________

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?

Valesh –

What if “touch of a woman” was more specific?
Say – touch of a woman’s hands…

Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”

____________________________________________

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?

Kinky. But no.

Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6

____________________________________________

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: sorry, but…

Valesh –

Talked this over with some colleagues. They can’t see any way around it. You’re going to have to take your wish back after all.

Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”

____________________________________________

INVOICE – REPAIRS TO OFFICE
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain (Active Vengeance Branch F, Justice and Latent Malice Inc)
Invoice prepared by: Lady Mertroxa of deathly night (Supplies and Withholdings, Justice and Latent Malice Inc)

Itemized Costing:
$535,000 (structural repairs)
$73,000 (replastering, repainting)
$109,000 (replacement of interior furnishings)
$321,000 (general fee for being a bastard)
$1,038,000 IN TOTAL

To be paid before the end of this month.

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

What if we modified your client’s wish?

– Trekknor

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged

How, exactly?

– Valesh

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

Make it an either-or.

– Trekknor

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged

Slightly confused about where you’re going…

– Valesh

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

“never again know the touch of a woman, or…” (insert requisite horrible happening)

So he’d still be getting regular action, as per my client’s request, but dire consequences would result. Forever.

– Trekknor

____________________________________________

Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged

I like it.

– Valesh

____________________________________________

Wish #287a-15c912-337

Date: 10/15/99
Wisher: Miss Serena Philman, Sunnydale CA
Target of Wish: Mr Parker Abrams, Sunnydale CA

Transcription: “He’s just… oh, I can’t believe that bastard. How could he do that to me? You know what – he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t deserve anyone. And he thinks he can get away with… He should just… just never date again. In fact, I wish he’d never even get to touch a girl, ever again, without getting exactly what he deserves for it! It’d serve him right.”

Summary of Wish: that Mr Abrams will never again know the touch of a woman without something terrible happening in consequence

WISH GRANTED, AND FILED CORRECTLY
Personal Notes: (re-filed to correct an initial spelling mistake, 11/18/99)

Filed by: Valesh the Avenged

____________________________________________

Date: November 20, 1999
Patient: Abrams, Parker
Age: 20
Reason for admission: concussive head injury (multiple), smoke inhalation

Comments

[slaymesoftly]

ROFL Awesome.

[deird1]

Thanks!