tips for foreigners

[deird1]

A piece of random Aussie etiquette for you:

(Context: I was reading a discussion of various cultural "gifting" things, and the Aussie cup of tea came up. Was the first time I'd really thought about it.)

If you go to someone's house, for any reason that requires you staying more than about a minute, you will be offered a cup of tea or coffee. (By which I mean, they'll say "Would you like a tea or coffee?" or offer one and instantly apologise for not having the other. Never just the one.)

When this happens, there are various options at your disposal:
1) "Yes, I'd love a cup of tea."
2) "Yes, I'd love a cup of coffee."
3) "No, thank you."
4) [the hidden one that foreigners don't know about]

Options 1 and 2 are great. Option 3 will... be a problem. Most likely, your Aussie host will look a bit puzzled, and ever-so-slightly frantic, and start offering up all the miscellaneous contents of their fridge until you pick something. This is because, as with many cultural issues, there's a whole lot of subtext happening.

See, you think the conversation has happened like this:

"Would you like a tea or coffee?"
"No, thank you."

Whereas, it's actually done this:

"I am happy to be your host. Are you happy?"
"No. I am not happy. Host better."

(It's much the same as the standard "How are you?" "Good! How are you?" "Good!" exchange. Very few people are actually asking. They're just checking that you're willing to be pleasant in their direction.)

The subtextual conversation we're aiming for is:

"I am happy to be your host. Are you happy?"
"Yes, I am happy to be your guest. You're being a good host."

This will be best achieved by the aforementioned options 1 or 2, or by secret option 4. Which goes like this:

*friendly sigh* "I'd love a glass of water!"

...then, you say thanks for the water, and if you're not thirsty, you don't actually need to drink it.

Comments

[alexseanchai]

Fascinating.

(I hate subtext in realtime, can't process it properly, and as such would absolutely have hit this one wrong had the opportunity ever arisen. Thanks!)

[heliopausa]

:D I have collided with this! It's great fun to observe how strongly ingrained one's own culture is. If someone comes visiting - not just to the door, but actually inside the house, then yep, I'm internally compelled to offer them a cup of tea. :D

[zeborah]

I'd accept hot chocolate if I was offered it, but when the question is 'tea or coffee' it's not safe to presume on hot chocolate the way it is for water. And I'm not going to accept something I hate the taste of if I can help it because then I've either got to drink it (ugh) or leave a full mug behind when I leave (wasteful and exceptionally rude: I'd drink it rather than leave it, but I'd resent you for foisting it on me).

Surely people can't actually drink more of tea or coffee than they can of water. I suppose it's more obvious that you've finished your water because the glass is transparent. Or maybe tea/coffee drinkers naturally start off slower due to the heat of it. Still, I'd think the solution would be that, if the water-drinker has finished their drink and the conversation's flagging, that's your cue to say sincerely, "It's been so great to see you again," at which (with appropriate back-and-forth of course) they can flee in immense relief.

[zeborah]

But if I ask for hot chocolate or milo or juice and they don't have it then it puts them in the position of having to refuse my first/second/third choice of drink and therefore unwittingly being a bad host; and putting them in that position makes me a bad guest. Whereas if I ask for water then they can grant my request easily, thus fulfilling their hostly duties to give me my first choice of drink, and everyone's happy.

Trust me, I've tried 'just' saying "I don't like tea or coffee", and I've got everything from confusion through to panic. And I've occasionally tried asking tentatively for milo or whatever seems most likely, and if they don't have it (they usually don't have it) they get super apologetic and I have to spend a long time saying it's okay and they still feel guilty and I get irritated at having to say it's okay *again*. Whereas if I just say "A glass of water would be great thanks" then they can just pour me a glass of water exactly the same as they'd pour someone a tea.

And certainly if I'm desperately wanting to go I'll make excuses and go if I politely can. But sometimes I can't politely because my host is the kind of person who Just Keeps Talking and you can't get a word in edgewise without practically saying "I don't care about the end of your story, I have to go". In these situations the only resort is to pointedly finish drinking all my water and angle my feet towards the door and fiddle awkwardly with things in the hopes that they'll pick up on my body language and wrap up their story.

Of course I'm exaggerating for effect, and anyway not everyone with an empty water glass is that desperate. And *anyway* my original point wasn't even about the guest's comfort except in passing; I was responding to your expressed discomfort with the odd-lookingness of guests fiddling with empty water glasses when the conversation lags, and suggesting that if you as host are uncomfortable then you can just as easily create a gracious exit too.

tl;dr I'm just trying to refute the idea that when a guest requests a glass of water it's "the worst". Unless of course you live in a place where clean water is legitimately not easy to lay your hands on. But otherwise if they ask for a glass of water, give them a glass of water and don't stress about it - or even put it in a mug if you don't want to have to worry about the odd-ness of the empty glass.

[zeborah]

Sorry, when my subconscious perceives a communication failure it can't account for I get longwinded when what I really should do is just go to bed on time for a change.

[vass]

This is true. And I don't know how I knew that already, since I wasn't explicitly taught it and it's the sort of social thing I have trouble picking up. Just lucky, I guess: usually I actually would love a glass of water, especially if it's that or have them go to the trouble of making tea or coffee.

[zeborah]

I feel like I independently invented the water thing in desperation because I hate tea and coffee but people always look so confused when I say so. I'm rarely thirsty at all but at least there's nothing unpleasant about drinking water, so.

[(Anonymous)]

Wow. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on a looooot of social cues.

As a host I tend not to offer tea and coffee because I rarely drink the former and don't drink the latter, and any time I make them for someone else it causes me significant hidden stress/anxiety about whether I'm making it the way they like it and whether it's actually horrible and undrinkable. (Cooking etc is a huge performative-anxiety thing for me and apparently that extends to making hot drinks.)

So I tend to offer water or juice, and if they say "actually I'd love a cup of tea" I wave my hand at the kettle and tea/coffee-making-stuff and say 'have at'. :)

Laney cannot host

[(Anonymous)]

See, or there are these other options I like to include in my hosting repertoire:
1. Let guest in, forget to offer anything while they are there;
2. Offer guest teaorcoffee, boil kettle, do nothing else;
3. Make guest's teaorcoffee, leave teaorcoffee sitting in mug going cold without offering it to guest (also works with warming them a muffin in the microwave);
4. Offer teaorcoffee to guest, realise guest is Mez who won't want coffee, blanch at challenge of making tea to Mez Standard, offer the use of teapot so she can make tea herself.