switching sides

[deird1]

I feel like I've lost my single-chick cred.


There are a few zillion conversations out there in the Christian blogosphere, in which single women complain (rightfully) about the church's focus on married couples to the exclusion of any acknowledgment of single people.

This is an area I have opinions on. Quite firm opinions, really, with a fair amount of experience behind them. After all, until I was 28 I was extremely single and expecting to remain so. I am, to a large extent, invested in the single-woman-in-the-church thing in a way I'm not invested in the married-woman-in-the-church thing. And probably will be for quite a while.

But now, I keep seeing all those blog posts about single people in the church and feeling like, if I say anything, everyone will roll their eyes and say "You don't know what you're talking about. You're married."

And somehow I've completely lost my ability to speak on this issue that I care about and know about, because suddenly I'm categorised as someone who can only speak on that other issue that I don't care much about, don't know much about, and will perpetually be seen as underqualified on because I got married so late (compared to my peers) that clearly I have nothing useful to say...


*sighs*

Comments

[alexseanchai]

Oy. *hugs?*

[kerkevik]

Nonsense. You only think you have, and the more you convince yourself of that the more likely you are to let it become the truth.

Thanks for the comment, btw. Hope you checked out the previous drabble. I feel already their is more to come from those characters.

Ray.

[velvetwhip]

I think you still have a lot to offer and you shouldn't feel as if you can't participate. You are only recently gone over to "the other side" and your insights are as valuable as ever. I hate all the picayune elitism in groups, the litmus tests of worthiness to offer an opinion. It's ridiculous and counterproductive. It's as if people prefer to be persecuted than to achieve their goals.


Gabrielle

[vass]

I don't know anything about this issue, but it sounds to me like you might be a useful bridge between the two camps. You know more than the marrieds about being single, and more than the singles about being married.

[red_satin_doll]

Bwah?

This is not at all like someone giving me, a lesbian, a smug lecture on how much they know about gayness or tolerance or whatever because they have a gay cousin once removed or whatnot. Or maybe a better analogy is people who have never been parents themselves presuming to tell other people how to raise their own kids (although I've been tempted many a time to tell a parent to "get your kid to shut up or put them on a leash." Not that I've ever done so, mind you.)

This is entirely different. You were single for many years. You have the experience and something to say. Having gotten married doesn't erase that experience; if anything I should think it adds perspective and richness to it.

I wonder if this is of a piece with our culture's tendency to separate ourselves into small groups - tribalism - all us against them, me against you - but also our resistance to and lack or respect for "our elders"? Even if said "elder" is only a year or two older than ourselves?

Or maybe you're dealing with jerks?

[lliira]

Why do they say you're "underqualified" to speak on married women's issues simply because you married later? You're just as married. What, because you have a drastically reduced risk of divorce compared to women who married early, you're not really married or something?

And you can't speak on single womens' issues is like saying you can't speak on girls' issues. It's true that, as the years go on, you will likely become more removed from what contemporary single women are facing. But that doesn't mean your experiences are invalid. Also, it's not like you'll suddenly be entirely unable to see single women and how they interact with the group at all.

I really dislike the idea that no one can think or speak about a group at all except someone who belongs to the group. It ends up being another way of silencing the concerns of everyone not part of the majority group. The way the world is, if we don't get rich white dudes to think and talk about our problems, they're not gonna get talked about in the broader cultural discourse. It's another way of relegating people to different spheres; and "separate but equal" has never worked.

[thislife.me]

I've tried to reply a couple of times here but you don't seem to be letting them through, which makes me a little sad since I'm assuming this post is partly prompted by my recent post and facebook activity.

Technically, it's true that you don't know what it's like to be single and 42. Neither did I until my last birthday. I don't know what it's like to be 43 and single... I'll let you know in November. ;-) But that doesn't mean you can't have an opinion about single people in the church. I have friends who married in their early 20s who have strong opinions about the way church treats single people. And who are very understanding of the issues we face.

I have no problem with people having opinions about things that may or may not be relevant to their experience. I have opinions about parenting, for example. I do have a little issue with people saying "I know how you feel" when they clearly don't (I'm not including you in that), but that's easily resolved by changing it to "I imagine that must make you feel ______. Do you want to talk about that for a bit?"

I get very angry when people are dismissed with "You couldn't possibly understand." Maybe they can't. But maybe they want to try, and maybe they want to care and be your friend. Geez. Can't we just, you know, LISTEN to each other for a bit?

[deird1]

Nicely put.

(Didn't mean to block your reply - just hadn't got around to unscreening yet. Sorry.)