cultural confusion

[deird1]

I've been reading through Etiquette Hell recently, and came across this entry in the "Guests from Hell" section:

I have recently moved to California and was invited to a barbecue by some people who I considered to be well-mannered and good friends. The invitation, which arrived by mail stated that one should bring whatever one wished to put on the grill to eat. I was confused and called to ask exactly what that meant. I was advised that they would supply all side dishes, salads, bread, condiments and drinks. I, however, should bring my own hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken or whatever I wished to eat - raw- and I would be allowed to cook it on the grill for my meal. Still confused, I asked, "So I should just bring a piece of raw meat with me?" "If that's what you want to eat," they replied. They then expressed their own surprise that I was confused as that was the way barbecues are "done" in California. My friends in the South find this particularly ridiculous.

Now... I find this confusing. Is there some other way of doing barbecues that I've somehow been missing all these years?

I've been to an average of eight barbecues a year (at least) for my entire life, and at EVERY one, people have brought their own meat. Why would it be bad manners? And what were these people expecting to happen instead?

Comments

[rebcake]

I'm in California, and there are various ways of throwing a BBQ:

1. The hosts provide the space and the meat, up to and including an entire roasted animal on a spit (or multiples thereof), and probably a few kegs of beer. Usually this happens when the hosts have mucho acreage and there are lots of people and bands and stuff.

2. The hosts provide space, equipment, and a variety of foods, usually specified ahead of time. Example: we will have hot dogs and hamburgers to grill, and homemade ice cream! This allows people with dietary requirements that do not fit with the food being provided to bring what they require. I'd say that these days people with "dietary requirements" outnumber those that will just eat what's put in front of them.

3. The "hosts" name a day and a place, and everybody brings their own stuff and enjoy each others company. This is your standard potluck.

I'd say that the last one is becoming more popular, and not because the hosts are miserly. The guests are just as much at fault for this happening, because no matter how much trouble the hosts go to, there is somebody complaining that their specific needs were not met. If you provide beer, the recovering alcoholics will bridle; if you provide soda, the anti-soda brigade will give you the stink-eye. It's mentally exhausting. I entertain so much less now — partly due to the layout of my flat (3 floors above the yard) and partly because of not knowing what to serve! But I always take a ton of yummy stuff to share at potlucks!

Then there was the time I was invited to a BBQ (bring your own stuff to grill) at which apparently every other person was a vegetarian. I was literally the only person to bring meat of any sort, and many guests gathered around the grill in wonder/revulsion to watch the sizzle. Sheesh.

As long as the parameters are made clear, I don't see the problem. The main point of getting together on a sunny afternoon is to, well, get together. Would the complaining person rather NOT get invited to a social event than go to the trouble of picking up a package of gourmet sausages? Some people just love to get all insulted – which is what has brought us to this pass in the first place, IMO. Fie.

[deird1]

As long as the parameters are made clear, I don't see the problem. The main point of getting together on a sunny afternoon is to, well, get together.

Absolutely! :)

[menomegirl]

no matter how much trouble the hosts go to, there is somebody complaining that their specific needs were not met. If you provide beer, the recovering alcoholics will bridle; if you provide soda, the anti-soda brigade will give you the stink-eye. It's mentally exhausting.

This is true. We've had to make as many as 4 potato dishes before.