Before the Court - fic
Feb. 28th, 2011 08:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deird1Fic! I has fic!
This was written out of boredom, and the need for a good old argument.
Title: Before the Court
Rating: PG
Word Count: 858
Summary: Buffy's in trouble.
Before the Court
“Buffy Summers, you are facing charges of assaulting a Watcher while on patrol. Said charges carry a penalty of demotion and a hefty fine. Do you understand these charges as I have presented them to you?”
Buffy glared at her.
“Right – well, assuming that you would have indicated lack of understanding with a big fat no, I think we can take that as a yes.”
More silent glaring, with a hint of an eye-roll.
“Moving on…” She turned over the page. “Are you Ms Buffy Summers of Via La Spezia, Rome?”
“Dawn, this is stupid.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Totally stupid.”
“Yep. …so, are you Ms Buffy Summers of Via La Spezia, Rome?”
Another eye-roll. “Yes. Obviously.”
“And on the night of August 15th, 2005, did you attend patrol on the southern Roman route?”
“Yes.”
Dawn ticked off the first two boxes, and continued, “Please explain, in your own–”
“This is really, really dumb.”
“…in your own words, what happened on the evening in question.”
Through gritted teeth: “I hit Spike.”
“I’m sorry, Ms Summers, I need you to speak clearly for the record.”
“I. Hit. Spike.”
“I see. So you confess to the assault?”
“Dawn, it’s Spike. I hit him all the time!”
Dawn raised an eyebrow. “I should caution you not to incriminate yourself with regards to further criminal activities. It’s irrelevant, it’s stupid, and it’s likely to prejudice your judge against you. Plus, it’s just going to give me way more ammunition for dragging you back in here again – so like I said, really stupid.”
“You shouldn’t be dragging me here in the first place.”
“No. It’s annoying, isn’t it?”
Another glare was directed her way.
“So, Ms Summers, do you have any justifiable reasons for assaulting your team’s primary Watcher while on active duty?”
“It’s Spike. And he’s not a Watcher. I mean, seriously? Spike?”
“For purposes of this tribunal, a Watcher is defined as any member of a Slay-friendly team who isn’t a Slayer. Spike counts.”
“He’s a vampire.”
“So? I can pretty much go either way – either he’s a Watcher and you assaulted him, or he’s the enemy and you were collaborating with him. Take your pick.”
“This is so completely pointless.”
“Come to think of it, maybe I could even charge you with both…”
Buffy folded her arms. “You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”
Dawn picked up another sheet of paper, and said calmly, “No, I’m not. I don’t enjoy this at all. I haven’t enjoyed this even once for the last two months. In fact, in the whole entire universe, I can’t think of a single job I’d enjoy less than these dumbass tribunals. But you know what? I still have to be here.”
“Dawn, this isn’t helping.”
“Do you know how often Slayers punch each other? An average of twice per patrol.”
“Look, if you want to–”
“You’d think our Beloved Head Slayer would think about that before introducing compulsory tribunals.”
“I didn’t–”
“But then, if she was actually going to think about it, an intelligent Head Slayer probably wouldn’t consign her vindictive little sister to two months of total boredom. That would just be stupid.”
“It’s not–”
“Almost as stupid as this tribunal, in fact.”
Another glare. “I was right. You are enjoying this.”
Dawn smiled. “So, Ms Summers, do you have any justifiable reasons for assaulting your team’s primary Watcher while on active duty?”
Silence.
“Any reason at all? Because if I have to write it down as an unprovoked assault against a defenceless–”
“I can think of five.”
“Okay. What are they?”
“One – he’s a vampire. Hitting him is a nice reminder of the very deserved punishment he would probably be getting were we not really really nice people with a progressive attitude towards reformed vampires. Two – he hit me right back.”
“That’s fairly valid self-defence against a surprise attack by a hostile–”
“And he’s not defenceless, as you know perfectly well. Last time we fought, he gave me a blood nose without even trying.”
“Eww.”
“Three – punching each other was really effective foreplay for a bunch of other stuff we ended up doing that I’m not going to tell my little sister about, because she’s all little and innocent.”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “I’m nearly nineteen. In fact, Daniel’s just invented this move where he puts one hand on my–”
“EWW. NO.”
“Then don’t call me little and innocent.”
“Fine. Deal. Four – I had a prophetic Slayer dream that my sister was going to really annoy me with pointless bureaucracy and total lies about her sex life, and I needed to vent my frustration on someone else so I wouldn’t end up killing her. Spike volunteered to be my punching bag.”
“Seriously? That’s what you’re going with?”
“Prove me wrong.”
“…fine.”
“And five – bribery.”
“Bribery?”
“If you drop the charges, I’ll take you off tribunal duty, and also buy you chocolate.”
“See’s?”
“Whitman’s. A really big box. With hazelnut creams.”
Dawn paused.
Buffy smiled.
Dawn shuffled her papers. “Oh, look at that. It looks like I totally spoiled these forms by… um, spelling your name incorrectly! Silly of me.”
They grinned.
This was written out of boredom, and the need for a good old argument.
Title: Before the Court
Rating: PG
Word Count: 858
Summary: Buffy's in trouble.
Before the Court
“Buffy Summers, you are facing charges of assaulting a Watcher while on patrol. Said charges carry a penalty of demotion and a hefty fine. Do you understand these charges as I have presented them to you?”
Buffy glared at her.
“Right – well, assuming that you would have indicated lack of understanding with a big fat no, I think we can take that as a yes.”
More silent glaring, with a hint of an eye-roll.
“Moving on…” She turned over the page. “Are you Ms Buffy Summers of Via La Spezia, Rome?”
“Dawn, this is stupid.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Totally stupid.”
“Yep. …so, are you Ms Buffy Summers of Via La Spezia, Rome?”
Another eye-roll. “Yes. Obviously.”
“And on the night of August 15th, 2005, did you attend patrol on the southern Roman route?”
“Yes.”
Dawn ticked off the first two boxes, and continued, “Please explain, in your own–”
“This is really, really dumb.”
“…in your own words, what happened on the evening in question.”
Through gritted teeth: “I hit Spike.”
“I’m sorry, Ms Summers, I need you to speak clearly for the record.”
“I. Hit. Spike.”
“I see. So you confess to the assault?”
“Dawn, it’s Spike. I hit him all the time!”
Dawn raised an eyebrow. “I should caution you not to incriminate yourself with regards to further criminal activities. It’s irrelevant, it’s stupid, and it’s likely to prejudice your judge against you. Plus, it’s just going to give me way more ammunition for dragging you back in here again – so like I said, really stupid.”
“You shouldn’t be dragging me here in the first place.”
“No. It’s annoying, isn’t it?”
Another glare was directed her way.
“So, Ms Summers, do you have any justifiable reasons for assaulting your team’s primary Watcher while on active duty?”
“It’s Spike. And he’s not a Watcher. I mean, seriously? Spike?”
“For purposes of this tribunal, a Watcher is defined as any member of a Slay-friendly team who isn’t a Slayer. Spike counts.”
“He’s a vampire.”
“So? I can pretty much go either way – either he’s a Watcher and you assaulted him, or he’s the enemy and you were collaborating with him. Take your pick.”
“This is so completely pointless.”
“Come to think of it, maybe I could even charge you with both…”
Buffy folded her arms. “You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”
Dawn picked up another sheet of paper, and said calmly, “No, I’m not. I don’t enjoy this at all. I haven’t enjoyed this even once for the last two months. In fact, in the whole entire universe, I can’t think of a single job I’d enjoy less than these dumbass tribunals. But you know what? I still have to be here.”
“Dawn, this isn’t helping.”
“Do you know how often Slayers punch each other? An average of twice per patrol.”
“Look, if you want to–”
“You’d think our Beloved Head Slayer would think about that before introducing compulsory tribunals.”
“I didn’t–”
“But then, if she was actually going to think about it, an intelligent Head Slayer probably wouldn’t consign her vindictive little sister to two months of total boredom. That would just be stupid.”
“It’s not–”
“Almost as stupid as this tribunal, in fact.”
Another glare. “I was right. You are enjoying this.”
Dawn smiled. “So, Ms Summers, do you have any justifiable reasons for assaulting your team’s primary Watcher while on active duty?”
Silence.
“Any reason at all? Because if I have to write it down as an unprovoked assault against a defenceless–”
“I can think of five.”
“Okay. What are they?”
“One – he’s a vampire. Hitting him is a nice reminder of the very deserved punishment he would probably be getting were we not really really nice people with a progressive attitude towards reformed vampires. Two – he hit me right back.”
“That’s fairly valid self-defence against a surprise attack by a hostile–”
“And he’s not defenceless, as you know perfectly well. Last time we fought, he gave me a blood nose without even trying.”
“Eww.”
“Three – punching each other was really effective foreplay for a bunch of other stuff we ended up doing that I’m not going to tell my little sister about, because she’s all little and innocent.”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “I’m nearly nineteen. In fact, Daniel’s just invented this move where he puts one hand on my–”
“EWW. NO.”
“Then don’t call me little and innocent.”
“Fine. Deal. Four – I had a prophetic Slayer dream that my sister was going to really annoy me with pointless bureaucracy and total lies about her sex life, and I needed to vent my frustration on someone else so I wouldn’t end up killing her. Spike volunteered to be my punching bag.”
“Seriously? That’s what you’re going with?”
“Prove me wrong.”
“…fine.”
“And five – bribery.”
“Bribery?”
“If you drop the charges, I’ll take you off tribunal duty, and also buy you chocolate.”
“See’s?”
“Whitman’s. A really big box. With hazelnut creams.”
Dawn paused.
Buffy smiled.
Dawn shuffled her papers. “Oh, look at that. It looks like I totally spoiled these forms by… um, spelling your name incorrectly! Silly of me.”
They grinned.