angsty musings

[deird1]

I feel like Rilla at the start of the novel.

You may or may not be aware that the Anne of Green Gables was just the start of an entire series of novels. The last (according to in-universe chronology) was Rilla of Ingleside, and starred Anne's youngest daughter, Rilla.

It's also set during World War One. The Arch-duke gets shot in the first chapter, and the soldiers come home during the last chapter. The novel, as a whole, is about Rilla's transition from a carefree 15 year old to a wiser 19 year old.

Which is to say, that at the start of the novel Rilla has basically no problems - but thinks she has a tonne.

I keep being upset about the terrible things that are happening to my life right now. Terrible, unfair things like my children not getting to have fun at school, and not being able to buy flour to supplement my cake-baking needs, and not being able to go on the holiday trip we'd planned, and being stuck in our very large house and its enormous back garden, and having to do roleplaying online instead of in-person...

You know. Lots of very important stuff like that.

And I know - I really do know - that this is the most privileged position that one could possibly be in during a pandemic, where my current greatest complaint is potential (not even current) boredom. But it's still upsetting me. And I still want to freak out and be upset, because my life is suddenly all different from how it was supposed to be, and it's stressful and worrying. But I'm also aware of just how stunningly selfish it would be for me to act, right now, as though these things are actual problems, on the level with other people's.

And I'm sure that, just like Rilla, I'll come out of this whole thing older, and wiser, and with a more realistic sense of what matters and what's important. I just... wish I could stay at the start of the novel, where nothing had really changed yet.

Comments

[lirazel]

My heart leapt in my chest when I saw the name Rilla! One of my very, very, very favorites!

And I still want to freak out and be upset, because my life is suddenly all different from how it was supposed to be, and it's stressful and worrying. But I'm also aware of just how stunningly selfish it would be for me to act, right now, as though these things are actual problems, on the level with other people's.

I definitely feel the same way. I think most of us do.

I'm just so glad the wildfires aren't still burning!

[shadowkat]

I saw an article linked on FB that talked about how we are all grieving the world we lost. The world in which we could just go to the grocery store any day of the week and pick up whatever we wanted, without fear of it being gone or fear of getting sick. The world where - we felt safe to some degree, had some sense of certainty, etc.

Also this self-isolation thing is hard. And I'm a loner who doesn't socialize much and I'm finding it hard. Much harder than expected.

[megpie71]

Speaking as someone who's lived through years of depression, the best bit of advice I can give is "acknowledge your feelings, accept them, and let them flow on" - but be aware you don't necessarily have to let them influence your behaviour. But yeah, take time to sit and sulk about the things you've lost. Take the time to mourn for your lifestyle, and the changes you have to make in it.

Yes, it's selfish and self-centred and all the rest of it. But I think allowing ourselves a bit of time to acknowledge our selfish feelings, and express them a bit, and admit that yes, there is a part of us which wants to stamp its feet and scream and yell and rail at the heavens about the unfairness of it all (we were being *good*, how dare this bad thing happen to us!) is actually a good thing. Give your inner toddler a hug and a cuddle, and agree with them - yes, it is unfair. Yes, it is horrible. But like genuine toddlers, part of what we have to learn is how to accept that unfair, horrible things happen, and we have very little control over them.

[thenewbuzwuzz]

"And I still want to freak out and be upset, because my life is suddenly all different from how it was supposed to be, and it's stressful and worrying."
Makes perfect sense to me. :)

[zeborah]

As someone who's come out of earthquakes older and wiser and with a more realistic sense of what's important:

Your brain is adjusting to a lot of changes and uncertainties in a very short time. They may be small changes and uncertainties, but there's still a lot of them. It's hard work, and the fact that other people may have it worse doesn't make the work less hard.

I've been having mini-meltdowns over questions where I know very well I can cope whatever the answer is -- I just can't deal right now with *not knowing the answer*.